It's funny how sometimes moments that make you uncomfortable or stressed can turn into moments that, when you look back on it, are good moments.
Today in class we had a really uncomfortable conversation on the idea of white complicity. Someone made a comment that wasn't very well received by the class (myself included). In moments like that, I often like to shrink back and hope that they just resolve themselves and pass. I don't particularly like getting involved in conflicts, and my immediate reaction is for flight. However, as the discussion continued on, I realized that I could offer a unique perspective into the conversation, and could feel that others were waiting for me to say something. I very cautiously put up my hand, then quickly put it back down, but I was too late. The teacher noticed, and I was eventually called on.
The thing is, I don't really like sharing personal stories in arguments, especially in tense situations where it could be tossed back at me. I guess I've just been hurt too many times, so I find it easier to withdraw. So when it was my turn to speak, my heart was thumping like mad, my face turned beat read, my voice was quivering, and my hands were shaking. But I got what was needed to say out, and afterwards, people came up to me and thanked me for it.
Yes, it was really hard, both emotionally and physically, to say what I did, but I'm grateful that I did. In fact, I'd even go as far as to say that it was my smiling heart moment for the day.
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